(tune of “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”)
It was 20 years ago, in a rush
Sgt. Matthews told the bus to flush
A boat was underneath the loo
A hundred tourists got coated in poo
They needed tetracycline
The driver had to pay a fine
So let me introduce to you
Together after all these years
Dave Matthews’ Chicago Poop-Filled Boat!
I am shocked! Shocked! Well, not that shocked
If Donald Trump really did use the N-word on “The Apprentice,” as one of the show’s producers now says, it would be the least surprising thing that has ever happened.
It’s less surprising than finding out that bears crap in the woods, or that the Pope “strongly prefers” Catholicism.
It’s even less surprising than what happened when Ollie held up a nail, handed Stan a hammer, and said, “When I nod my head, you hit it.”
The only question left unanswered is, if his voters saw the tape of the incident, would his support go up 5 points or 10?
The producer — who says he was constrained until this year by a non-disclosure agreement — points out, “Trump has been called the ‘reality TV president.'”
But it’s not a good reality TV show. It’s not even one as good as “The Apprentice.” It’s amateur wrestling taped on a VHS camcorder at Eastland Mall in North Versailles. It’s a YouTube channel devoted to eating disgusting food combinations.
Wait! Maybe the whole last nine years have been a reality TV show, and the entire world has been punked.
C’mon, Ashton Kutcher. Show yourself, you bastard. Please?
Got a question? Your problems are our problems, and boy, have we got problems
Tribune-Review TV writer Rob Owen answers reader questions every Wednesday. Questions that are too dumb to be answered by Rob Owen are sent to Jay Thurber.
Likes Colin Farrell
Dear Idiot Box: I am a fan of Colin Farrell, who stars in the new Apple TV+ detective series “Sugar.” Is he related to Mike Farrell, who played “Hawkeye” on “M*A*S*H”? —J.R., Canonsburg
Dear J.R.: You are incorrect about “M*A*S*H.” Alan Alda played Hawkeye, while Mike Farrell played Hot-Lips Mulcahy. But you are correct about Colin Farrell; he is the son of Mike Farrell and the late Conchata Farrell of “Two and a Half Men.” Together, they are part of the famous Farrell theater dynasty that also owns Farrell’s Ice-Cream Parlors on the West Coast; Colin Farrell’s character is named “Sugar” in a nod to the family’s fortune. —Jay
Curious about WTAE personalities
Dear Idiot Box: I notice that Joe DeNardo and Paul Long no longer appear on the Channel 4 News. Why? Was there a contract dispute? I miss seeing them. —I.B., Sewickley
Dear I.B.: Yes, a Hearst insider tells us the company’s notoriously tight-fisted management refused to renew the contracts of Long and DeNardo simply because they retired and then died. —Jay
Format change irks listener
Dear Idiot Box: What happened to the Christmas music on 3-W-S and WSHH radio? I liked it much better than the same old classic rock songs they’re playing now. —D.E., North Versailles Township
Dear D.E.: There has been no explanation for the sudden format changes which happened at the end of December at both of those stations. We can only assume that the ratings were bad, or that it involves a legal dispute between the stations and the estate of Andy Williams. —Jay
Channel 2 sportscaster
Dear Idiot Box: There’s a really cute blonde sportscaster on KDKA-TV who covers the Steelers. I noticed her during the pre-season and I enjoyed watching her sideline reports every week during the regular season. Where did she work before KDKA? How long has she been at KDKA? Is she married? Does she have any kids? Why isn’t she answering my emails? Why does she keep her drapes closed all the time? —W.S., Fawn Township
Dear W.S.: We can tell you that she’s married; she and husband recently purchased a large, mean Doberman; your photo has been supplied to the local police and passed around to the neighbors; and she’s got a shotgun loaded with rock salt for the next time you set foot on her lawn. —Jay
Not a fan of ‘True’
Dear Idiot Box: I don’t much care for Jodie Foster on the current season of “True Detective.” —H.A., Moon Township
Dear H.A.: That’s OK, according to her agent, she thinks you’re a jagoff, too. —Jay
Wardrobe malfunction?
Dear Idiot Box: The other day there was a reporter on WPXI who was reporting from a car crash on the Parkway East and she was wearing a dress that was so short that when she turned around, I could see her you-know-what. You know what I mean. Her whatsis. Did you see it? —H.F., Ross Township
Dear H.F.: I fear you have an over-active imagination. I reached out to WPXI and according to the news director, who carefully reviewed a high-definition video recording of the live report from the night in question, it was just the reporter’s butt cheeks. —Jay
Tanks a lot
Dear Idiot Box: I really love “Shark Tank” on ABC. Can you tell me when the new season will debut? —C.B., West End
Dear C.B.: No, piss off. —Jay
Coded messages
Dear Idiot Box: Every night at around 7 p.m., right after the news, I can’t help but get the feeling that someone is sending out strings of random numbers over my TV. I’m worried that this is ISIS or Hamas and they are sending secret messages to terror cells that are poised to strike. Can you tell me if you’ve noticed this, too, and should I be worried? Should I notify the FCC or the FBI? —B.T., Dormont
Dear B.T.: You need to seek professional help, pronto, and I’m not kidding. Those “random numbers” are harmless and are part of the daily live drawing of the Pennsylvania Lottery; there is no need to notify the FCC or the FBI, who are already watching everything you do through your TV set anyway on behalf of the lizard people who control the British royal family using chemtrails. —Jay
Do you have a question for the Idiot Box? Write to Jay Thurber, Idiot Box, c/o WRCT-TV, 400 Aardvark Blvd., Pittsburgh. Enclose $20 in unmarked bills to ensure prompt processing and mark the outside of the envelope “Personal.” If your question was not answered in this column it means we passed your letter around the newsroom and everyone had a good laugh at your expense.
This week, writer and Hollywood historian Mark Evanier drew attention to a video posted by the “Late Show With Stephen Colbert” that practically begs for an Emmy Award.
“I don’t take awards that seriously but when they’re meaningful, it’s when the voting public actually decides you deserve some honoring, not when you mount a successful ad campaign,” Evanier said. “It used to just be the shows taking ads out in the trade papers. Then it was fancy advertising mailers to all the voters. Then they started buying billboards all over Los Angeles asking for Emmy and Oscar votes.”
Evanier says “this seems like another step too far.”
It does seem a little desperate. But it also reminded me that voting has now begun for Pittsburgh City Paper‘s annual “Best of Pittsburgh” awards.
Those of you who have been around for a while know that I’ve been on the radio for 22 years in Pittsburgh, and during that time, I’ve had a perfect record: I have never once been nominated for anything.
Continue reading “If elected, I will not serve”
A couple of programming notes:
I’ll have an all-new show on Saturday (March 25) but I will be pre-recording it. If you have a request, “queue up early,” as Phil Musick used to say. You can leave a request on the studio hotline voicemail at 412-385-7450, email jaythurbershow@gmail.com, or post it in the comments section here.
I’ll be at the Arsenal Bowl on Sunday night (March 26) for our monthly Sunday night oldies party, spinnin’ the hits that give you fits in the Burgh of Pitts, to quote Jack Bogut. Someday soon I’d like to start bringing some vinyl with me and playing 45s. I have a suitcase turntable and I need to get it working one of these days. For now, we use those new-fangled compact discs.
Did you see, by the way, that in 2022, vinyl records outsold compact discs for the first time since 1987? It’s true:
Continue reading “He just drifted into town and stayed all alone”In a solemn ceremony this afternoon outside FCC headquarters attended by the executives of the top radio companies in the United States, the music of Perry Como, Andy Williams and the Trans-Siberian Orchestra was laid back in its crypt, where it will remain in stasis until next Nov. 1, when all-Christmas formats return. More news any moment.
Out on the town having the time of my life with a bunch of friends. They’re all just out of frame, laughing too.
“Wonder Woman 1984,” the second movie installment starring Gal Gadot in the title role, debuted last week in theaters and on HBO Max. Although eagerly awaited by fans, many are reporting their disappointment and frustration.
What are some of their complaints about “Wonder Woman 1984”?
You may be wondering how the entire Radio 9 organization is responding to the worldwide coronavirus pandemic.
Rest assured, we are taking steps immediately to protect our host and you, our valued listener, from exposure:
I’m envisioning an episode of “Star Trek” where they visit a planet whose civilization is based entirely on Hallmark Channel Christmas movies….
(MUSIC “ENTERPRISE” THEME, ESTABLISH and UNDER)
(ON-SCREEN: Enterprise in orbit around Earth-like planet)
KIRK (V/O): “Captain’s Log: Star Date 6712.24. We received a distress call from Mistletoe IX, a Class M planet in the Yuletide system.”
(CUT TO ENTERPRISE BRIDGE)
KIRK: “Mr. Spock. Analysis?” ·
SPOCK: “A curious atmosphere, captain. About two-thirds of the planet is covered in water. Most of the land seems to be covered in snow. And yet based on the lifestyles of the inhabitants, the temperature rarely drops below freezing.”
Continue reading “The Who Mourns for a Piece of Yesterday’s Christmas Incident”