Category: General Nonsense

I’ve been thinking for a while that electing the person who was simultaneously the stupidest person in America and the most psychopathic person in America to the nation’s highest office was a bad idea.

I know this may be controversial, but I don’t care. Next time, let’s mix it up. Elect a stupid person once, and then next time, elect an evil person. But we shouldn’t do both at the same time.

Along time same lines, I’ve recently been listening to the “Behind the Bastards” podcast, which a friend told me about. They just did a four-part series called “How Jeffrey Epstein Invented the Modern World.”

I mean, you think Jeffrey Epstein was just terrible because of the child r*ping and sex trafficking, and yes! He totally was! Child-r*ping was the worst thing about his misbegotten, miserable life.

But he also did so many other bad things he would still be one of the worse U.S. human beings of the 21st century — even if he hadn’t been a pedo! That’s impressive!

Cryptocurrency? He was an early investor! He was an active participant on 4chan! Did he invest in efforts to replace teachers with games and AI-generated slop? He did! Did he help fund the “Gamergate” controversy? Yes!

After a transgender woman sued him for r*ping her, he became so angry that he helped fund hateful anti-transgender news coverage!

From 2000 until he finally snuffed it in jail, this guy was the Zelig of enshittification. Every time something terrible happened that made social media, the Web or American society, Jeffrey Epstein was right around the corner, rubbing is hands and asking, “How can I make a profit from this?”

And yes, I said Zelig, rather than Forrest Gump, because it’s well documented that Epstein and Woody Allen were buddies — of course they were! Because if something bad happened, Jeffrey Epstein wanted to be a part of it.

Think of any American or Russian shitbag from the last 20 years. Jeffo was probably emailing them, likely with a lot of typos and misspelled words: ” hey budy lets do crmes, lol “

Anyway, this may be controversial, but I don’t care: To borrow a joke from Norm MacDonald, the more I hear about this Epstein fella, the less I care for him.

Start here, if you can stomach it:

This just in:

• In 6-3 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that all Americans should get punched in the mouth every day; writing for the conservative majority, Justice Amy Coney Barrett says the constitution does not protect citizens from a daily trip to “loose-tooth city.” In a blistering dissent, the liberal justices wrote “What the Fuck” over and over again in 48-point type.

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• During a late-night posting frenzy on Truth Social, President Trump threatened to bomb Massachusetts and outlaw bananas. “You get ’em and they’re so green, and then right away they turn brown! NO GOOD!”

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• The National Park Service announced it will sell the Lincoln Memorial to an operator of self-storage warehouses. Other moves aimed at shrinking the federal government include plans to turn the Gettysburg National Cemetery into a Sheetz and self-service car-wash.

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• Secretary of Health & Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says that in-school scoliosis screenings cause autism and announced they will be replaced by mandatory coffee enemas for all students and teachers by 2027.

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• The State of Alabama this week began issuing hunting licenses allowing residents to hunt LGBTQ people during Pride Month. There will be a bag limit of no more than five LGBTQ people between June 1 and June 30, the state said.

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• In a 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court has upheld the constitutionality of Alabama’s new LGBTQ hunting license.

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• A heat advisory continues for most of the eastern United States as temperatures topped 150 degrees in Philadelphia and Baltimore. Scientists, looking cautiously over their shoulders at a large man standing behind them while wearing a MAGA hat and holding a baseball bat, declined to blame climate change.

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• A coalition of directors of 1980s and 1990s horror movies issued a statement saying that their works of dystopian fiction — such as RoboCop, Blade Runner, The Running Man, Starship Troopers, Brave New World, and other film classics — were supposed to be cautionary tales for Americans, not models for society to emulate. At a press conference in Hollywood, Dutch director Paul Verhoeven said, “for fuck’s sake, would you people take a look around at what you’re doing to yourselves? You’re completely off the rails.”

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• Dutch director Paul Verhoeven was apparently injured after being tackled by masked federal officers at a press conference in Hollywood and arrested. Witnesses said Verhoeven was thrown into an unmarked, windowless van and driven from the scene. A spokesperson for ICE said Verhoeven was deported to El Salvador “because Dutch isn’t even a country, did you know that?”

BREAKING: Right-wing backlash to Cole Escola’s outfit at the Tony Awards raises fears that the national tour of “Oh, Mary!” may skip its planned stop at the Yakov Smirnoff Theater in Branson, Mo.

More news any moment.

(H/T: Alert Listener Darya)

If you’re enough to remember an advertising campaign by National Airlines where pretty female flight attendants said things like, “I’m Marla. Fly me,” well, you should probably schedule a colon cancer screening.

I heard stories this morning that the U.S. has officially accepted a luxury jet from the Government of Qatar to be used as President Trump’s personal airplane.

It’s a luxury jet, mind you, that the Qataris have been trying unsuccessfully to sell for years, because it’s obsolete and a gas hog. And no one wanted it, so they had to wait for the right sucker to come along.

Step up, step up, Mr. Art of the Deal, and win a prize!

It will likely cost another $100 million or more to rip the jet apart and make it safe for the president to fly on.

Anyway, I immediately thought of that ad campaign.

Here’s the text, in case you can’t read it:

I’m Donald. Fly Me.

You’ve met my friend Tamim.
And some more friends like Vladimir, Viktor,
Jong Un, Bashar, and Jinping.
My friends like to give me things. Like luxury jets.
My other friends, like Jeff, Mark, and Elon
like to give me cash and cryptocurrency.
(Whatever that is).
I must be doing something they like.
If you want me to do something you like,
you know what to do. Just slip me some cash.
Or property.
Does it sound like bribery? Sure.
But the Supreme Court says as long
as I do it in the Oval Office while I’m President,
it’s all legal.
And I intend to stay President for a long, long time.
Fly Donald. Fly MAGA.
Donald Trump accepts Bitcoin, cash, and American Express

And here’s what the original campaign looked like:

Here are some recent headlines you may have missed if you don’t follow me on social media ….

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Thurston Howell III defends Trump’s record after administration levies 50% tariff on exports from Gilligan’s Island.

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Following U.S. Sen. Cory Booker’s record-setting 25-hour speech, Martin Scorsese announces a plan to release a director’s cut with five additional hours of footage.

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The creation of a new major league for women has raised hopes that Pittsburgh could someday get a professional baseball team.

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The business genius appointed to trim the U.S. government has found new efficiencies; he’s trimmed $11B in the value of his own company.

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Facing protests, Sens. McCormick and Fetterman canceled plans for an afternoon of mutual manual stimulation; they instead spent Saturday doing one of their other favorite joint activities, punching hippies.

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After President Trump objected to the official painting of him that was displayed in the Colorado State Capitol, calling it “distorted,” the governor has unveiled a new, more accurate portrait.

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Newly declassified documents have identified the leader of the 1963 conspiracy to assassinate JFK.

You guessed it: Frank Stallone.

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And finally (and I mean that, as Michael Feldman would say), “The Passion of the Christ 2” will begin filming in August.

According to a leaked script, in the new film, Jesus (Jim Caviezel) avenges His crucifixion armed only with shards of the true cross, a crown of thorns and a high-powered automatic rifle. Also stars Scott Baio as Pontius Pilate, Jon Voight as Herod and Dean Cain as Simon Peter.

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Remember, when news breaks out, we break in on Action Central Pulse Beat News!

More news any moment … More news any moment … More news any moment …

This might be a link

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Dear Supporter:

It’s another exciting year for us here at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, now under new, dynamic management under the inspired leadership of the greatest president in American history. Presenting over 2,000 performing arts shows and events each year, all of which are 100 percent certified as “woke-free,” the Kennedy Center is a vibrant campus celebrating patriotic American values and not the degenerate arts of coastal elites.

We invite you to check out all of this year’s colorful events, including these newly announced shows:

March 1-15: Women’s History Month celebration of Leni Riefenstahl

April 4-21: Kid Rock presents Wagner’s “Ring Cycle”

May 1-15: Kanye West presents “A Salute to Jewish Heritage Month”

June 7-20: “Mark Levin TONIGHT!!!”: a one-man show starring Ted Nugent

July 4-10: World Premiere of “NASCAR: The Opera” by Lee Greenwood

Aug. 7-21: Kevin Sorbo stars in “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Special guest star Caitlyn Jenner as Mary Magdalene.

Sept. 1-30: Scott Baio and Patricia Heaton in Rodgers & Hammerstein’s “The King and I.”

Oct. 15-30: “The Poetry of Sylvester Stallone.” Includes meet-and-greet with Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Light refreshments (raw milk and mixed-roadkill grill) will be served.

Nov. 6-13: Screenings of “The Birth of a Nation,” digitally remastered, with live accompaniment from the Liberty University Symphony Orchestra.

Dec. 1-15: “A Christmastime Comedy Salute to Mr. George Wallace”* (* NOTE: this show pays tribute to the former Alabama governor, not the comedian. No refunds will be issued.)

And don’t forget to check out our online gift shop for savings of 14 to 88 percent. Use promo code DOGE420.

Sincerely,
Your New Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts