This just in:
- In 6-3 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that all Americans should get punched in the mouth every day; writing for the conservative majority, Justice Amy Coney Barrett says the constitution does not protect citizens from a daily trip to “loose-tooth city.” In a blistering dissent, the liberal justices wrote “What the Fuck” over and over again in 48-point type.
- During a late-night posting frenzy on Truth Social, President Trump threatened to bomb Massachusetts and outlaw bananas. “You get ’em and they’re so green, and then right away they turn brown! NO GOOD!”
- The National Park Service announced it will sell the Lincoln Memorial to an operator of self-storage warehouses. Other moves aimed at shrinking the federal government include plans to turn the Gettysburg National Cemetery into a Sheetz and self-service car-wash.
- Secretary of Health & Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says that in-school scoliosis screenings cause autism and announced they will be replaced by mandatory coffee enemas for all students and teachers by 2027.
- The State of Alabama this week began issuing hunting licenses allowing residents to hunt LGBTQ people during Pride Month. There will be a bag limit of no more than five LGBTQ people between June 1 and June 30, the state said.
- In a 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court has upheld the constitutionality of Alabama’s new LGBTQ hunting license.
- A heat advisory continues for most of the eastern United States as temperatures topped 150 degrees in Philadelphia and Baltimore. Scientists, looking cautiously over their shoulders at a large man standing behind them while wearing a MAGA hat and holding a baseball bat, declined to blame climate change.
- A coalition of directors of 1980s and 1990s horror movies issued a statement saying that their works of dystopian fiction — such as RoboCop, Blade Runner, The Running Man, Starship Troopers, Brave New World, and other film classics — were supposed to be cautionary tales for Americans, not models for society to emulate. At a press conference in Hollywood, Dutch director Paul Verhoeven said, “for fuck’s sake, would you people take a look around at what you’re doing to yourselves? You’re completely off the rails.”
- Dutch director Paul Verhoeven was apparently injured after being tackled by masked federal officers at a press conference in Hollywood and arrested. Witnesses said Verhoeven was thrown into an unmarked, windowless van and driven from the scene. A spokesperson for ICE said Verhoeven was deported to El Salvador “because Dutch isn’t even a country, did you know that?”
Good ones, Jay! Had me laughing, but are we really that far from a lot of those being the truth?