Category: (sad trombone)

You’re in good hands

Working from home today. Landline rings. Caller ID says “Sewickley, PA.” Someday I really need to start taping these calls:

Bill Lowenburg photo via Wikimedia Commons. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0

Hello?

“Hello, sir. This is Justin from your Allstate agent. How are you today, sir?”

(We do not have Allstate Insurance. Also, he does not sound like a “Justin.” He sounds like a non-native speaker of English, at the very least.)

Oh, I’m really good, Justin, how are you?

“I’m fine, sir. This is a courtesy call about your Allstate policy. We’re doing surprise calls to our customers to explain how they can save money.”

Well that’s great!

“Sir, first of all, do you have a house and a car?”

Yes, we have cars.

“How many cars do you have, sir?”

Let me check. (Off-mike) One … two … three … uh … (on-mike) We have eight.

“Oh, my! Eight cars! Well, that is a blessing, sir. To have so many cars. And are these cars owned by you?”

Yes, I own all of them.

“Well, how lucky you are. Tell me, are these cars used for business or personal use?”

Well … a little of both. I mean, they’re demolition derby cars.

“Oh. Well. So would you say they’re more used for business?”

Hmm. I guess about 50/50, because the demolition derby is kind of a hobby, I don’t get paid.

“OK, then. So let’s say personal use. And are all of the cars running?”

Uh … no, only seven are running. The eighth one lost last weekend.

“OK then. So seven cars. What a blessing. Tell me, are they all insured?”

Oh, no. No, you can’t get insurance on demolition derby cars.

“Oh. Well. What about your house? Do you own your home?”

No, we’re squatting here.

“Oh. Well, in that case, we probably can’t help you over the phone. You’d have to go to your local Allstate office.”

Well, I’ll do that, Justin, thank you much.

“You have a blessed day, sir.”

And she was hopping mad

I told my wife the “give a frog a loan” joke this morning and I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to go to couples counseling now

Chuck Jones illustration

Me: Did you know that years ago, Keith Richards had a pet frog?

Denise (laughs): No, really?

Me: Oh, yeah, and of course, Keith was known for using a lot of substances.

Denise: Sure.

Me: So Keith Richards began to treat the frog like it was a little kid. He bought it little outfits and taught it tricks and talked to it all the time. The frog eventually started to think it was human.

One day, when the frog got older, he went into a bank and asked for a mortgage to buy a house. The loan manager played along and said, “OK, but do you have a down-payment?”

At that, the frog reached into a little canvas bag and pulled out a small ceramic duck.

The loan manager said, “Look, we don’t give mortgages to frogs, and even if we did, we don’t accept ceramic ducks as down-payments.”

Well, the frog got very angry, croaking and hopping around, and the loan manager decided to humor him. She took the mortgage application and the ceramic duck into the bank manager’s office and said, “Get a load of this. There’s a frog out there who wants a mortgage on a house, and as a down-payment, he wants to use whatever this ceramic duck is.”

The bank manager took the application, and the ceramic duck, looked at them, and said, “It’s a knick-knack, Patti Wack, give the frog a loan — his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Denise: (stares in tolerant spouse)

(silence)

Denise: “Is this why we don’t drive into work together more often?”

Under the table and barfing

(Via X.com)

(tune of “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”)

It was 20 years ago, in a rush
Sgt. Matthews told the bus to flush
A boat was underneath the loo
A hundred tourists got coated in poo
They needed tetracycline
The driver had to pay a fine
So let me introduce to you
Together after all these years
Dave Matthews’ Chicago Poop-Filled Boat!

The Dave Matthews Band Chicago River Poop Incident, 20 Years Later: ‘Our Generation’s O’Leary’s Cow’

‘Cause baby, I believe that you’re a star

Every 1’s a winner, except me and thee

In case you missed it, Pittsburgh’s The Bubba Show has been selected by Pittsburgh City Paper as a finalist for its “Best of Pittsburgh” awards under the category “Best Radio Personality or Duo,” while Star 100.7 has been named a finalist under the category, “Best Radio Station.”

In what can only be described as a stunning coincidence, Star 100.7, on which the Bubba Show airs, is the sponsor of the “Best of Pittsburgh” awards. What are the chances?

I keed, I keed! Anyway, congratulations to all of the finalists.

I also want to thank everyone who took the time not to vote for me; my perfect 20 year streak of never winning anything remains intact. (I was told by an insider that one problem is that I can’t be nominated under the category “Best Radio Personality” because I don’t have one.)

It’s nice to see Bonny Diver on the list, along with Lily Sixx. Make sure to vote early and often.

Listen to the silence, let it ring on

Mother of mercy, is this the end of my magazine cartooning career?

For just pennies a day, you can provide a hot, nourishing meal of
ink and eraser crumbs for this wretched creature

First things first: Every time I post one of my cartoons from CQ Amateur Radio Magazine, I also post a link to the page where you can buy a subscription.

If you did happen to buy a subscription on my recommendation — and you haven’t received any issues — well, I apologize. Unfortunately, you’ll have to get in line with me. I haven’t received any recently, either.

And I am hearing (unofficially) that the chances of receiving any issues, at least in the immediate future, are slim.

After almost 80 years as the independent voice of the radio hobby, CQ has suspended publication. I have no inside gossip to share, so don’t ask. You can get the sad story from the Better Business Bureau website and various ham radio forums. Then you’ll know as much as I do.

I have nothing but affection for the staff at CQ, from my editor, Rich Moseson, to everyone else I’ve worked with over the years. They have, as the Good Book says, “fought the good fight” and stayed the course, but it may not have been enough.

Continue reading “Listen to the silence, let it ring on”

Ow, my freakin’ ears!

I was listening to another college-owned radio station — not WRCT — the other day when they played an uncensored version of The Chats’ “Emperor of the Beach.” (Lyrics not even marginally SFW.)

Maybe they figure the FCC has gone home on Christmas break, too. Or else they applied for one of those Special Temporary Obscenity Authority permits. (It’s like the Special Temporary Friday-Night Football Authorizations that daytime-only AM stations in the Mon Valley used to get in the fall months. You know, the football game is going to go on past your local sign-off or power-down time, and if you were to somehow be distracted from throwing the transmitter switch at the right time … ?)

“You are a very foolish man.”

Working from home these last few months of The Plague Year has given me a lot of time to work on my audition tape for “The Jerky Boys.” I really need to start taping these calls, I guess, for use on the show …

(Phone rings. Caller ID says “Elizabeth, PA.”)

Me: “Hello?”

(noisy sound of call center)

Me: “Hello? Hello? Are you OK? Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, this is Allen from U.S. Pharmacy, how are you?”

Me: “Lynn? Hey, Lynn, how are you? Are you OK? Everything OK there?”

Caller: “Uh … yes, sir, thank you for your concern. Do you need any medications?”

Me: “Sure. What y’all got?”

Caller: “We have Viagra” (pronounced “vee-AH-gara”) “Cialis, painkillers …”

Me: “How about that marijuana?”

Caller: “Marijuana, sir?”

Me: “Yeah, the mary-ju-ana. Cannabis? Wacky weed? Wildwood flower? A little Tijuana mama-jama?”

Caller: “Uh … yes sir. What is your card number?”

Me: “My what now?”

Caller: “Your medical marijuana card number.”

Me: “I need a card now? This feller down on the corner don’t never ask me for no card.”

(dial tone)

Me: “Hello?”

(Phone rings. Caller ID says “Glenshaw, PA.”)

Me: “Hello?”

(loud click and buzzing noise)

Caller: “Good day, this is (unintelligible) from R.D. Chemists. How are you today, sir?”

Me: “Well, I’m pretty good, there, son, how are you?”

Caller: “You have recently ordered drugs from us, sir, and we want to know if you are ready for refills.”

Me: “What all kinds of drugs did I order there, fella?”

Caller: “Uh … ” (stifles a giggle) “are you on drugs right now?”

Me: “I’m on a lot of drugs, son. What in particular do you need?”

Caller: “I don’t need …” (sighs) “… we sell drugs … You ordered … Wyagra” (pronounced “WYE-ag-ra”) “and Cialis.”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I know her.”

Caller: “You know who, sir?”

Me: “Wyagra Seealis. I went to high school with her.”

Caller: “Sir, well, we are talking about different things. We sell Wyagra and Cialis. We have good deals on Wyagra.”

Me: “Yeah, she gave me a good deal one time after school. Under the bleachers.”

Caller: “You are wasting my time, sir.”

Me: “She didn’t waste my time, I’ll tell you that much. How’s Wyagra doing?”

Caller: “You are a very foolish man. Go away.”

(dial tone)

Me: “Hello?”

Continue reading ““You are a very foolish man.””

Facts revealed in the new Mr. Rogers biopic

The new movie “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood” stars Tom Hanks as Fred Rogers, beloved Pittsburgh icon, influential children’s television programmer and one of the best-loved American personalities of all-time.

Here are some of the startling facts depicted in the movie, which opens this week:

  • “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” originally debuted on network radio as “The Johns-Mansville Asbestos Hour Starring Ed Wynn.”
  • “Lady Elaine Fairchild” was not, as most people believe, a puppet, but an actress named Gladys Pryzebelich from Wilmerding who had a rare growth hormone deficiency. When she died in 2014 at age 94, she was buried in a New Balance shoe box.
  • In a 2001 referendum, residents of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe rejected as “too expensive” a proposal from then-City Council candidate Bill Peduto to add bike lanes.
  • Since retiring, X the Owl works occasionally as a docent at the National Aviary on Pittsburgh’s North Side. In his spare time, he enjoys catching voles and other small rodents.
  • For an April Fool’s Day prank in 1973, two PBS staples, Fred Rogers and William F. Buckley Jr., hosted each others’ shows. But the episodes never aired after PBS executives concluded that while Mr. Rogers vastly improved the quality of “Firing Line,” Buckley was easily outwitted by Daniel Striped Tiger.
  • Until budget cuts during the Reagan administration, the Neighborhood Trolley ran along the Parkway East and U.S. 30 to Rogers’ hometown of Latrobe, making the round trip in 28 hours and 14 minutes.
  • Fred Rogers’ red zip-up cardigan sweater, handmade for him by his mother, is in the permanent collection of the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, D.C. His sneakers were purchased by Dr. Scholl’s as a laboratory standard and are used to test all of that company’s various orthotic products.
  • Stay seated until the closing credits to see scenes from the next thrilling installment in this new Marvel Comics franchise.

What to expect during the impeachment hearings

Impeachment is a congressional investigation into alleged misconduct by the President of the United States. At the end of the process, the House of Representatives refers any evidence that has been gathered to the U.S. Senate, which then holds a trial.

In the history of the United States, only two Presidents have faced impeachment — Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton. Richard Nixon resigned before formal impeachment proceedings began.

Here’s what to expect as Congress begins impeachment proceedings against President Trump:

  • Each day’s testimony introduced by the “Let’s get ready to rumble!” guy
  • Members of House of Representatives will be trying out catchphrases, like “That’s-a good-a testimony!” and “The indictments don’t stop ’til we reach the top!”
  • “Baby Trump” balloon bouncing around in the gallery like a beach ball at a Phish concert
  • Administration officials holding oversized fedoras in front of their faces to avoid photographers wielding Speed Graphics and giant flashguns
  • Witnesses trying to come as close as possible to describing a crime without going over, then risking it all on a “Daily Double”
  • NPR’s Mara Liasson and Susan Davis on the red carpet outside the Capitol, describing who’s hot and who’s not
  • A free small “Frosty” at participating Wendy’s locations if any of that day’s witnesses present evidence that Trump is a Russian operative (limit one per customer)
  • U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams in a neutral corner, getting ready to throw in a towel if proceedings become too violent
  • Kellyanne Conway becoming so enraged that she stomps her right foot into the ground, then rips herself in two trying to pull it out
  • An overwhelming sense that the end of American democracy is getting closer and there’s sweet f-ck all that we can do about it