Working from home these last few months of The Plague Year has given me a lot of time to work on my audition tape for “The Jerky Boys.” I really need to start taping these calls, I guess, for use on the show …
(Phone rings. Caller ID says “Elizabeth, PA.”)
Me: “Hello?”
(noisy sound of call center)
Me: “Hello? Hello? Are you OK? Hello?”
Caller: “Hello, this is Allen from U.S. Pharmacy, how are you?”
Me: “Lynn? Hey, Lynn, how are you? Are you OK? Everything OK there?”
Caller: “Uh … yes, sir, thank you for your concern. Do you need any medications?”
Me: “Sure. What y’all got?”
Caller: “We have Viagra” (pronounced “vee-AH-gara”) “Cialis, painkillers …”
Me: “How about that marijuana?”
Caller: “Marijuana, sir?”
Me: “Yeah, the mary-ju-ana. Cannabis? Wacky weed? Wildwood flower? A little Tijuana mama-jama?”
Caller: “Uh … yes sir. What is your card number?”
Me: “My what now?”
Caller: “Your medical marijuana card number.”
Me: “I need a card now? This feller down on the corner don’t never ask me for no card.”
(dial tone)
Me: “Hello?”
(Phone rings. Caller ID says “Glenshaw, PA.”)
Me: “Hello?”
(loud click and buzzing noise)
Caller: “Good day, this is (unintelligible) from R.D. Chemists. How are you today, sir?”
Me: “Well, I’m pretty good, there, son, how are you?”
Caller: “You have recently ordered drugs from us, sir, and we want to know if you are ready for refills.”
Me: “What all kinds of drugs did I order there, fella?”
Caller: “Uh … ” (stifles a giggle) “are you on drugs right now?”
Me: “I’m on a lot of drugs, son. What in particular do you need?”
Caller: “I don’t need …” (sighs) “… we sell drugs … You ordered … Wyagra” (pronounced “WYE-ag-ra”) “and Cialis.”
Me: “Oh, yeah, I know her.”
Caller: “You know who, sir?”
Me: “Wyagra Seealis. I went to high school with her.”
Caller: “Sir, well, we are talking about different things. We sell Wyagra and Cialis. We have good deals on Wyagra.”
Me: “Yeah, she gave me a good deal one time after school. Under the bleachers.”
Caller: “You are wasting my time, sir.”
Me: “She didn’t waste my time, I’ll tell you that much. How’s Wyagra doing?”
Caller: “You are a very foolish man. Go away.”
(dial tone)
Me: “Hello?”