(All of Mr. Musk’s dialogue is more or less verbatim from his Twitter … er, X … account)
(Interior, pet shop, San Francisco)
Customer: Hello, I wish to make a complaint.
Elon (chuckling): Lil X just asked if there are police cats, since there are police dogs.
Customer: Never mind that, my lad! I wish to complain about this Twitter I installed not a half-hour ago from the app store.
Elon: Soon we shall bid adieu to the Twitter brand and, gradually, all the birds.
Customer: You’re bidding adieu to all your bleedin’ advertisers and users, is what you’re doing.
Elon: If X is closest in style to anything, it should, of course, be Art Deco.
Customer: Art … Deco? It’s not art anything! It’s bleedin’ dead?
Elon: Frankly, I love the negative feedback on this platform. Vastly preferable to some sniffy censorship bureau!
Customer: Oh, you do, do you? Well, you’re going to bleedin’ love this. (Yelling and hitting the cage.) HELLO, TWITTER! HELLO, TWITTER! TESTING, TESTING, TESTING. (Takes Twitter out of cage and thumps it on the counter.) Now that’s what I call a dead platform.
Elon (holds up picture of poop emoji): Concerning.
Customer: Now look, mate. I’ve definitely had enough of this. This app is definitely deceased. When I logged in not a half an hour ago, you assured me that all of the problems were a result of bots that were scraping your content. I took the liberty of examining it when I got home and found out that the only reason it’s upright are Nazis and the Saudi royal family.
Elon: Sorry our pixels are so imperfect. Hopefully less so over time. Should we change the default platform color to black?
Customer: It has nothing to do with the bleedin’ platform color! This app is bleeding demised! It is an X-Twitter! X is a stiff! Bereft of life, X rests in peace! X’s metabolic processes are now history! X’s off the twig! X has kicked the bucket, shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined Friendster and MySpace in the bleedin’ choir invisible!
Elon: Would you like to do a Spaces discussion with me next week?
Customer: Well it’s hardly a bleedin’ replacement, is it?
Elon: Many accounts on this platform can earn thousands of dollars per month in advertising revenue sharing if they become verified subscribers! Takes two minutes to become a verified subscriber for $7 a month.
Customer: Well. (Pause.) Yeah, all right, sure.
(Dead cow falls on shop. Fade to black.)