If you’re a Gen-Xer, you probably remember growing up, watching broadcast TV that was constantly being interrupted by commercials.
There you were, sitting cross-legged in front of the Magnavox on the orange shag carpeting, drinking an RC Cola. And as soon as the show came to an exciting moment — the Cardassians were about to attack Riker and Worf, or Diane had made a particularly cutting remark right before she slammed the door on Sam — suddenly the screen would go black and the network would run a commercial.
It was so annoying!
Well, now that we live in the modern digital age, that’s a thing of the past.
Thanks to streaming services such as Roku, Hulu and YouTube, shows are no longer interrupted at important moments so that some network flunky can show us commercials for dishwashing soap and radial tires.
Instead, streaming services use computer software that automatically inserts commercials wherever it wants to. Instead of plugging in the advertisement right after a punchline or a climax, the software plugs in the advertisements during the punchlines or climaxes. Now that’s progress!
SCARLETT O’HARA: “Where will I go? What will I do?”
RHETT BUTLER: “Frankly, my dear …”
CHIRPY BLONDE PITCHWOMAN: “Where does the poop go? Use this weird trick to clear stuck poop fast!”
THORN: “Next thing they’ll be breeding us like cattle for food. You’ve gotta tell them. You’ve gotta tell them!”
HATCHER: “I promise, Tiger. I promise. I’ll tell the Exchange.”
THORN: “You tell everybody. Listen to me, Hatcher. You’ve gotta tell them! Soylent Green is …”
BRITISH-ACCENTED VOICE: “Bothered by toenail fungus. Top doctors are baffled by the rise of this drug-resistant toenail fungus.”
DON CORLEONE: “A month from now, this Hollywood big shot’s gonna give you what you want.”
JOHNNY FONTAINE: “Too late. They start shooting in a week.”
DON CORLEONE: “I’m gonna make him an offer …”
PEPPY VOICE-OVER: “If you write anything on your computer, you need Grammarly.”
ETHEL: “Come here, Norman. Hurry up. The loons! The loons! They’re welcoming us back.”
NORMAN: “I don’t hear anything.”
WEIRD COMPUTER VOICE: “Constant ringing in your ears may be an early warning sign of dementia. Here are the three words you forget just before you develop Alzheimer’s disease.”
According to one survey, 75 percent of YouTube’s 2 billion users say their experience on the website has been made “terrible” by the number of advertisements on the service, and the low quality of the ads. (Presumably, the other 25 percent are severely constipated and need to know how to clear stuck poop fast.)
Personally, I look forward to a day when streaming TV online will just be advertisements that are occasionally interrupted by 30 seconds of programming.
I’ll be slamming that “Skip Program” button, so that I can quickly get back to finding out which superfoods burn belly fat in as little as 14 days, and why Wall Street insiders are worried about the coming cryptocurrency boom. Who needs entertainment when I can watch two minutes of badly animated stock footage? Thanks, YouTube, Roku and Hulu!